peddiniz

EVER SINCE I can remember I had wanted to fall in love. And, not only fall in love, but fall in love with the right person. I wanted someone who would accept my faults and love me for who I am. I hopped from one relationship to another, each time being bitterly disappointed when my knight in shining amour turned out to be the opposite of what I expected and wanted. Finally, I decided that the elusive emotion of love wasn’t meant for me and I reconciled myself to the fact that I might never find my Mr Right. I should have known that God’s sense of humour is wicked, at the very least!

My first interaction with the person I fell in love with was explosive. We were working in the same company and I was his junior. One of my duties entailed transferring calls to him. Once he was on the phone and there were continuous calls coming for him. I was unable to see him, so I leant across my desk and called out to him, only to have him turn around and yell at me. I was so taken aback that I turned red and burst into tears. He had no choice but to come over and apologise, which I grudgingly accepted.

I think that guilt struck him some days later for he took my number and called me up one evening. It was supposed to be just one call but somehow they multiplied. I still remember how I used to go back home daily and crib to my mother that there was this one guy in office I couldn’t stand because he was always so stuck up. And, she used to look at me puzzled, wondering that if I couldn’t stand him how was it that I was talking to him for hours every evening. That was a question I couldn’t answer and didn’t even try to. And, neither did he.

As time passed, we realised that we were on the same wavelength, more so because both of us were trying to get out of destructive relationships at that time. Slowly from mutual dislike emerged a bond of empathy, which led to a lot of advice giving and taking and we started spending a lot of time together. He would come over every evening and we would sit together in his car, sip coffee and discuss the tumult of emotions our respective partners were putting us through. I still don’t know when this friendship blossomed into love - was it when I heard him talking about his girlfriend and felt the first arrow of jealousy prick me, or was it when I found myself waiting for his calls and visits?

I don’t know. And after three years of knowing him and two of loving him, it is still a mystery to me. When I look back now I wonder, was there actually a time when we didn’t know each other? I’m sure God must be having a good laugh for He brought me to the edge of despair before filling my life with sunshine.

This person is the joy of my life - he makes me laugh, he reduces me to tears, he still advises me and there are times when he even irritates me. But when I close my eyes at night, the one emotion that stays with me is the feeling of security that he gives me. We are not officially committed to each other, but some bonds don’t require a piece of paper. The union is already there, between our hearts and souls. And that I feel is above all rituals.

I don’t know what our future holds. His family is against me and being the only son he has a deep sense of responsibility towards them. Each day I wake up wondering whether this will be the day when I will lose him and each night I thank God for letting me share another day with him.

I got a very nice forward the other day. It said - when we were kids, we were eager to grow up and fall in love. Now that we are grown up we have realised that wounded knees were much better than broken hearts. But I would say, give me a broken heart any day, for even if I have to go through the agony of losing him, it will be worth it. For at least I had a chance to love him and be loved unconditionally by him. It’s not important to know if I will be with him 30 years from now, what’s important is that he makes me feel alive even for the 30 minutes that I spend with him. That is the biggest blessing I could ask for. The rest, as they say, is a bonus.