peddiniz

The 5 questions are:
"What are you thinking?"
"Do you love me?"
"Do I look fat?"
"Do you think she is prettier than me?"
"What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into
a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly.
For example:

1) "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
Baseball
Football
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

2) "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
That depends on what you mean by "love".
Does it matter?
Who, me?

3) "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state,
"No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
Compared to what?
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4) "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring
at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you
just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5) "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would
Cease to have meaning for me and I would of course hurl myself under the front
tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot.